Posted Nov, 21 2016

Little Moishe Rosenberg was so proud of himself for making a birthday cake for his mother. Chocolate cake being her weakness, Mrs. Rosenberg gulped down almost the entire thing. When she was finished, Little Moishie happily exclaimed, “I’m so glad you like the cake I made you, Mommy. I’m sorry, there should have been 32 candles on the cake, but they were all gone when I took it out of the oven.”

Posted Jun, 16 2016

“Shmueli,” said Mrs. Robinson the 3rd grade math teacher, “if coal is selling at $6 a ton and you pay your provider $24, how many tons will he bring you?”

“A little over three tons, Mrs. Robinson,” said Shmueli.

“Why, Shmueli, that isn’t right,” said the teacher.

“No, Mrs. Robinson, I know it isn’t,” said Shmueli, “but they all do it.”

Posted Sep, 03 2015

Chaim Yankel got a job at an economy motel working at the front desk. A guest checking in, a Mr. John Robinson ordered a 6 a.m. wake-up call. The next morning, Mr. Robinson awoke before 6, but Chaim Yankel didn’t call until 6:30.

“Good morning,” Chaim Yankel said sheepishly. “This is your wake-up call.”

Annoyed, Mr. Robinson let Chaim Yankel have it. “You were supposed to call me at 6!” he complained. “What if I had a million-dollar deal to close this morning, and your oversight made me miss out on it?”

“Well, sir,” said Chaim Yankel, “if you had a million-dollar deal to close, you wouldn’t be staying in this motel.”

Posted May, 10 2015

A girl walks into a supermarket and asks the clerk, “Can I have a turkey for my mom?” the clerk responds, “Sorry. We don’t do exchanges.”

Posted Apr, 24 2015

Shmuli Horowitz was having a garage sale and invited some of his neighbors to sell their wares at his place as well. One of Shmuli’s neighbors, Brent Mathews, took four tires over and was asking $30 apiece. Brent needed to leave for a few minutes, so he asked Shmuli to watch the tires for me.

“Sure,” Shmuli said, “but if someone offers less, how low are you willing to go?”

“Try your best for more, but I guess I’d be willing to accept $15,” Brent said, and left.

When Brent returned, his tires were gone. “How much did you get for them?” Brent asked excitedly.

“Fifteen dollars each.”

“Who bought them?”

“I did!”

Posted Apr, 19 2015

General Marshall is in charge of the American Army, and he is visiting his colleague General Goldstein, who is in charge of the Israeli Army. Marshall arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Goldstein. They both walk around the place, and Marshall asks: “So how are your men?”

“Very well trained, General.”

“I hope so. You see, my men over at the United States Army are so well trained, you see, they’re the bravest men in the world.”

“Well, I’m not so sure about that General,” replies Goldstein. “My men are very brave, too.”

“I’d like to see that,” says Marshall.

So Goldstein calls private Barak and says: “Private Barak! I want you to stop that tank simply by standing in front of it!”

“Are you crazy?” says Private Barak. “It would kill me! Are you some kind of fool?”

Goldstein turns to a Marshall and says, “You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general.”

Posted Apr, 15 2015

One evening, Goldie Markowitz left dinner in the oven for a little bit too long and the kitchen filled with smoke — the smoke detector went off. Goldie searched the house for her children only to find them in the bathroom, washing their hands.

Over the loud buzzing of the smoke alarm, Goldie asked them to identify the sound.

“It’s the smoke detector,” they replied in unison.

“Do you know what that sound means?” Goldie demanded.

“Sure,” they replied. “Dinner’s ready.”

Posted Apr, 14 2015

A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.

The boys’ mother heard that a rabbi in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The rabbi agreed and asked to see them individually.

So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the rabbi in the afternoon.

The rabbi, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, “Where is God?”

They boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.

The rabbi repeated the question. “Where is God?”

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.

So, the rabbi raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “Where is God!?”

The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, “What happened?”

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: “We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!”

Posted Apr, 12 2015

A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, “The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars.”

“Why does that parrot cost so much?” the man wondered.

The owner replied, “Well, it knows how to use a computer.”

The man asked about the next parrot on the perch.

“That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.” Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot.

“That one costs 2,000 dollars.”

“And what does that one do?” the man asked.

The owner replied, “To be honest, I’ve never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss!”

Posted Apr, 12 2015

An airplane was about to crash, there were 5 famous passengers on board but only 4 parachutes left. The first passenger said, I’m Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers need me. I can’t afford to die… So he took the first pack and left the plane.

The second passenger, Hilary Clinton said, “I am the wife of the former president of the US. I am also the Secretary of State. For the sake of international stability, I need a parachute.” She took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane.

The third passenger, President Barack Obama said “I’m president of the United States of America. Our country needs intelligent solutions, and as a former Harvard Law School professor, I am the only person who can offer those solutions. Americans can’t afford for me to die.” So he quickly grabbed the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane.

The fourth passenger was the Pope and he turned to the fifth passenger, a Rabbi and said, “I am old and frail so I don’t have many years left. As a good Catholic, I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute. “

The Rabbi turned to him and said “Thank you but it’s really OK…. there are enough parachutes for both of us. America’s most intelligent President has just taken my Tallis bag.”

Posted Apr, 06 2015

Morris calls his son in NY and says, “Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don’t want to discuss it. I’m merely telling you because you’re my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I’ve made up my mind, I’m divorcing Mama.” The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened. “I don’t want to get into it. My mind is made up.” “But Dad, you just can’t decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?” “It’s too painful to talk about it. I only called because you’re my son, and I thought you should know. I really don’t want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain.” “But where’s Mama? Can I talk to her?” “No, I don’t want you to say anything to her about it. I haven’t told her yet. Believe me it hasn’t been easy. I’ve agonized over it for several days, and I’ve finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow.” “Dad, don’t do anything rash. I’m going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won’t do anything until I get there.” “Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I’ll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can’t bear to talk about it anymore.” A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow. “Benny told me that you don’t want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won’t do anything until we both get there.” Morris promises. After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, “Well, it worked this time, but what are we going to do, to get them to come down next year?”

Posted Feb, 04 2015

A man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, “I’m on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.”

The officer then asked, “Really? Who’s giving that lecture at this time of night?”

The man replied, “That would be my wife.”

Posted Jan, 02 2015

A guy found a penguin and showed him to a policeman.

The policeman said, “Take that penguin to the zoo, now.”

Next day the policeman sees the man with the penguin again.

The policeman stops the guy and says, I told you yesterday to take the penguin to the Zoo, what on earth are you doing with the penguin in your truck again?”

The guy says, “What is there to do? Yesterday I took him to the zoo and today I’m taking him to the movies.”

Posted Dec, 12 2014

A couple of terrorist were making letter bombs. After they had finished, one said: “Do you think I put enough explosive in this envelope? “I don’t know,” said the other. “Open it and see.” “But it will explode.” “Don’t be stupid! It’s not addressed to you!

Posted Jul, 25 2014

Q: What is the best all around PAID Job in Gaza?

A: Tunnel Digging

Posted May, 23 2014

Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is 24 hours a day/seven days a week?

A: A widow.